I don't really know what to say.

For once in my life, I am at a loss for words. I don't even know where to begin this post, because quite honestly, I could ramble and ramble about EVERYTHING that goes on in my head constantly and all of the emotions I am feeling on a daily basis (from laughing and feeling normal to having complete and total meltdowns- every day. The meltdowns mostly happen in my car or in the evenings after Austin is in bed) and the post would be 500 pages long. So yea. I don't know where to begin. I want to keep blogging because I enjoy it and I think that it's important for Austin to see as he gets older. It just doesn't feel the same. NOTHING feels the same because it isn't. An enormous part of me is gone and I feel empty. So, so lonely. Devastated beyond repair. Ryan was a really, really wonderful person. So unbelievably kind to others and so funny. He was outgoing and just fun to be around. He really made others feel special. He was an amazing daddy too. While I am so unbelievably sad for Austin that he will never know his daddy, I am equally devastated for Ryan. The most important thing in his life was Austin and it breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces that he will not get to see him grow up. Austin really is the only thing that keeps me going these days or I would be a puddle. I know I have to be strong for him. I will do everything in my power to be the best mommy possibly to him, because he deserves it. He didn't ask for this. He doesn't deserve this, but these are the cards we were dealt and we will be okay... eventually. For now, everything is hard. It's hard to get up in the morning. It's hard because Austin has slept in my bed since this happened (gave me a black eye last week too!). It's hard because we were both incredibly sick for the past week and it's completely exhausting taking care of the two of us when all I want to do is sleep. It's hard because I am so, so lonely. Yes, I have some very good friends who have been amazing, but it's lonely. It's hard doing EVERYTHING- from the cooking, to the cleaning, to laundry, to the grocery shopping, to getting us both ready in the mornings, to the daycare pick up and drop off every morning, to playing with Austin and finding fun things to do, to the pediatrician visits, to trying to find time for myself. It's hard. I feel like I'm just mediocre at everything right now. Somehow, I appear to have everything in order to the outside, but inside I'm a wreck. I'm kind of like an M&M- tough on the outside, but it's a really thin layer, breaks easy and then inside I'm a gooey mess. At least I appear to have my shit together though, right? Anyway, I don't want this to turn into a rant about how hard it is, because then all I have to do is look at Austin and here him laugh and it's all worth it. We definitely miss Ry though. We will forever. I wish I could have just 5 more minutes with him... to update him on everything that Austin is doing (he's changed so much in 4 months), to also tell him the things that I didn't get to tell him (there are so many things I wish I would have said). I will always want those 5 minutes. I don't think that feeling will ever go away. We are surviving though and although we have a tough road ahead of us, Austin and I have each other and that's the only thing that matters.

As for Austin, there is too much to even write here. We have done a lot (first trip to Disneyland, 2nd birthday, holidays, etc) and he understands SO much these days- it's incredible that I can actually have a conversation with him and he understands what I'm saying and will talk back! He asks a lot of questions now too- a lot of "what's that?" and "look mommy, look". He's a little stinker too with a mind of his own. VERY strong-willed, but I guess that's just being 2. He is a picky eater (I hate that he only likes PB&J, quesadillas and gammie's pasta! He will not even touch a vegetable either). He hits and spit when he's angry (thank god no biting) and is NOT a fan of timeouts, but they are necessary! Really though, he is an awesome little man, so loving and curious and fun. He brightens even the darkest days. As mentioned though, he has been sleeping in my bed since this all happened in September. It was absolutely necessary at the time (he was terrified to be alone), but now he has me trained. This is going to be tough to break... but I need to do it soon, if anything for my own sanity! He's a good little guy though and I don't know what I'd do without him.

Alright. That's it. I promised myself I'd keep this first post as short as possible. We are getting stronger each day with the help from friends and family- so thank you for everything you all have done. We appreciate it more than anything.... We will be okay.